Housewife? No. House Goddess.
‘Housewife’ is a dirty word. God forbid you utter it to the inevitable “What do you do?” and one either gets a bemused look or an embarrassed shrug of the shoulders accompanied by a turning away to greener, more employed pastures. This happens all the time. A few years ago, I was introduced to the famous dancer Padma Subrahmanyam. On hearing my apologetic “I am just a housewife” with a stress on the ‘just’, she told me unequivocally, “That is the most important job anyone can do”. It was the only time I have got that reaction.
A housewife has dedicated her life to the physical and mental well being of her family and assists a host of others. Yet she is rarely respected or even taken into consideration. Is it because only squeaky wheels get the grease and housewives scarcely whimper, let alone squeak? This endemic and continuing trend at a time when more and more women work means that those who continue to be housewives look down on themselves. They are judged differently and congregate separately in gatherings with men and working women around. If working women dress well, they are complimented and appreciated; if housewives do the same, they are absorbed in shallow interests like dress and jewellery and sponging off their spouses. Housewives are assumed unintelligent, unaware and uninterested. No wonder it is rare to have anyone describe themselves squarely as a housewife without any disclaimers. They run boutiques, supply food, teach tuitions and music – pretty much anything to not have to use the dirty word.
I know highly educated housewives with excellent marketable skills who choose to stay at home. They do not join the paid workforce since they are unwilling to compromise on the quality of their work and care to the family and home. In most Indian homes, the woman shoulders the bulk of the burden of household chores – even if she works full time. Sheryl Sandberg, in her book ‘Lean In’, talks of how marrying the right person is the most important career decision a woman can make. In India, a patriarchal society with mostly arranged marriages, the right to that critical decision is often bestowed only on the male – is it any wonder that few women are successfully able to juggle career and family?
The housewife is part of the landscape – overlooked and utterly invisible. It is only the dedication to the family, the bond of maternity and duty that pulls her through. Often she has experienced corporate life – the perks, the appreciation, the pace, the satisfaction. She has given all that up only to be forgotten and used as a doormat. Housewives are on call 24 hours a day as a sounding board for every family member’s problems, from elders to children – those family members’ externally induced stress radiates into the housewife being subjected to irritated tones, cranky behaviour, irrational demands and anger without reason. Yet, she acts as an insulator between her family members and the external world. But still – no Most Valuable Employee awards.
As Sheryl Sandberg attests (if attestation were needed), it is impossible to do it all and do it well. You have to prioritise. Many well earning couples spend an entire salary equivalent just on childcare, for example. The housewife, in contrast, IS the nanny. A working parent might purchase dosa batter, Diwali sweets and savouries etc. A housewife might proceed to make it from first principles (think Sridevi’s laddus in the movie English Vinglish). Many agree that the home made ones are better – this is the only reason for the whole new crop of corporate entities paradoxically selling ‘home made’ food. One might take as much pride in being constantly available for her family and making difficult dishes from scratch as the other might in effectively multi tasking at work. Either decision is a personal one based on individual preferences. Both are valuable and both are giving up something but the sad part is that only careers, being monetised, are appreciated.
The service rendered by many of these housewives goes well beyond the family. They lend a patient ear to all those who bother to approach them. Some are sought after for their intelligent analysis of prevailing issues such as children’s academics, vacation spots, intricate family manoeuvres requiring the most delicate diplomacy – because that IS their job and they do it well. These are the individuals who lend a hand transporting busier friends’ children to activities and competitions. They are the first to show up physically to assist ailing relatives and friends. Someone else’s emergency becomes theirs. They have the answer to every question regarding upcoming festivals, traditions and practices, competitive exams and what not. All this while business is as usual at home. Housewives would rival the world’s best parallel processors. In fact, in a Forbes magazine article, Salary.com, however imperfectly and inadequately, tried to monetise at least part of the housewife’s roles and even this incomplete analysis leads to an annual income of $115,000!
I hope that those who read this will learn to appreciate those around them and convey that appreciation. A little kudos goes a long way. My experience indicates that appreciation is, in fact, verbalised – but usually to others and rarely to the individual itself. Do PLEASE tell those unrecognised, underappreciated individuals around you directly that you value them, their work and their consistent self sacrifice. They are worth more than any saree or jewellery you can buy. To quote the philosopher Simone Weil, ‘Attention is the Rarest and Purest form of Generosity’.
