Charity begins at home.

At least death is final for the dead one. For the living, the vagaries of life, and living through them, can be downright painful on many an occasion– for them and those around them. At such times, life seems more onerous than enjoyable. The newspaper informed me of a female entrepreneur’s suicide and the accidental death of a young lady. It started a twister of thoughts as to what one values in life and what one needs to feel valued.

Recently, a friend said she felt that she was not doing anything useful – every day was a busy day just embroiled in the mundane. Everyone around her, on the other hand (it seemed) was involved in multiple activities of consequence. I understood her thoughts perfectly. We have undying respect for these wonderful individuals who are most self-sacrificing. However, for many, caught in the daily grind, it might not be possible to do this. Their charity begins, and ends, at home, quite literally.

There are so many – all the working men and women whose day is totally consumed with the office, its after-effects and its recovery, the dedicated daughters and sons, wives and husbands, fathers and mothers at home and outside – all with the most noble intent of looking after their family and other animals, which allows little time for little else. Social media, however, regales us non-stop with stories of altruism, self-proclaimed or by third parties, many done under duress, usually much greater duress than what most average people go through. This can make one feel small.

I believe NOT being externally, visibly, noticeably, altruistic can be the height of altruism (with complete and total respect for the publicly known do-gooders). It takes a tremendous amount of sacrifice to put everyone else above you, sink into anonymity and not crave personal limelight. I can imagine folks saying multi-tasking, prioritisation, higher efficiency etc. will allow us to do it all. The fact though is that many are already doing this and that it takes all that to even just get through one’s day. NO. It is NOT possible to do everything extremely well. Something has to give. Families, nay, people, need quantity time – quality time is overrated. What if one decides to do good for others but neglects the immediate circle? Because many are in the situation where only one or the other can be done effectively.

I am reminded of a story from an ancient epic where a man abandons his aged and feeble parents and goes seeking a spiritual Guru to learn about life. He is eventually sent back with the knowledge that going through the daily grind with sincerity and dedication, aka one’s duty, is the first aspect of learning about life.  

So there are many who just cannot be out there. But one can still make a difference in one’s little universe. One interacts with many people on a daily basis – the person at the check-out register, the street-side grocer, the neighbour passing down the street, a complete stranger who happens to make eye-contact – we can touch them with a smile, an appropriate enquiry, empathy for their situation if they choose to share it, a nice word- everyone has some spark within them. It is incredible how much these simple things can help. As long as it is sincere and from the heart.

But this is nothing at all, you say? Wrong! The mental connection, the feeling that one figures in another’s world – it means everything. That is often what one needs the most. We have all gone through days when everything seems to have gone wrong. One nice word has the ability to change the entire complexion of that day – maybe even on a sustained basis. Masking everything in ‘dignified’ ways is so the expectation of modern civilized society that we take it for granted. But there is often so much tumult under that calm surface. Keeping that in mind, always, might help us to be kinder to others, even when they are utterly in the wrong.

In the TV Show Six Feet Under, the younger brother, a free spirit, tells the elder prim and proper one that it is cathartic to let go of one’s emotions; it is unnatural to appear dignified when one is really suffering inside.  So true. But it is going to be the rare one who can actually express what is one’s mind – even to those closest and dearest. Therefore, let us be as happy as we can ourselves and as kind and understanding towards others – especially to those who say they do not need anyone. Let us not hasten to judgement. We do not know the half of it.