Think before you speak.

Stopping to think for a moment before passing comment is a real sign of maturity. As is NOT jumping to conclusions or passing judgment. But this is easier said than done. Most of us do it all the time, often without even realising it. As I grow older, I am consciously trying to give others the benefit of the doubt, spending much more time on introspection and working to assume that the folks I see are innocent until proven guilty.

I was at the Indira Gandhi International Airport in Delhi at the bag drop counter, having checked in online the previous day. As I was about to leave with the checked bags’ receipts, it struck me that the agent had neither mentioned nor given me new boarding passes that Jet Airways had indicated would be given. I had just begun to say “Excuse me, don’t I require new boarding…” when the man behind me cut in rudely “Yes, yes – what you have are boarding passes”. The tone of voice was one of such utter derision and total contempt that I was hurt to the quick – it denoted that I did not know what a boarding pass was, signified I was utterly stupid and breathed the fact that he had no patience with such newbie clueless travelers.

I was tempted to respond but decided that chivalry is the better part of valour and stayed mum. I told myself, “What am I going to achieve by telling him of my innumerable trysts with airports in numerous countries and in all the continents, through coup d’etats and quarantines too…..” But I was left wondering – what made that passenger jump in unnecessarily and adopt that tone of voice? I again had to ask myself whether my appearance had something to do with it – not the look of the typical seasoned air traveler?

I was reminded of an incident some four years ago when a young lady rear-ended me as I was driving my Ambassador on a major road in Chennai. I pulled to the side and got out of the car. So did the other lady who strode forward, her eyes breathing fire. “What do you think you are doing driving like that, Madam?”, she asked me. To say I was shocked was an understatement. Reminding myself of what elders had frequently advised (but I had rarely been able to follow), I controlled myself (with difficulty), kept my voice even and calmly responded “Actually, you hit me. I should be asking you that question”. She does not skip a beat. “I have been watching you all this while, Madam. You keep braking”. I said, “Yes, I have to do that every time the vehicles in front of me do”. Now she is slightly flustered, “Madam, see? That chap in front who caused all the trouble is happily going away”. I responded, “But, of course. I have not hit him. There is no need for him to stop. If you had maintained more distance between our vehicles, we would not have had to either”. Now she says”Madam, for your information, I have been driving from the age of 18″. Boy. I say, again, with total equanimity “Well, so have I. And I must be at least ten years older than you too”. At this point, she becomes contrite. “What should we do now?”

Later, I narrated the car incident to my close relative and she asked me if I told the offending driver that I have driven in two continents besides driving from the age of 18. Of course I did not. Then she suggests that it was the car I was driving, the Kancheepuram saree I was wearing, hair in a bun, aged mother in law in the back seat holding a harmonium etc., that must have had the lady convinced that I was a country bumpkin who had probably never seen the city, let alone driven in it.

Years of experience in India have convinced me that most cannot say ‘Sorry”. Regardless of how wrong they are. And forget saying Sorry for courtesy. As Sneha Karthikeyan once mentioned, it probably has to do with the fact that our local languages do not have an equivalent for the word sorry. They translate to “Forgive me” – which seems like an admission of grave guilt. I have gradually learned to accept and deal with this, whilst cautioning myself not to ape this characteristic which, frankly, I loathe.

However, the other extreme – of blustering and saying something without taking a moment to think, in a hope to roadroll the other (possibly wiser) into silence – is unforgivable and abominable to me. What did that passenger think when he spoke that way? I know for certain he would not have adopted that patronising and cynical tone with a male passenger or a new age female too, perhaps. That lady who rear ended me? She had given a false address and phone number. And had it been someone who looked more like her, she would have certainly behaved differently.

I must stress that I find courtesy everywhere too – those who go above and beyond. I have written about these incidents. But one does wonder often, particularly on roads, airports and other crowded areas – Where has courtesy gone? What about respect? Never mind love thy neighbour. Or lending a hand. We seem to be around more impatience, rush and insensitivity. Time should be set aside for some leisure, one thinks, to even be able to ruminate on why these things occur, let alone stopping them in their tracks.