Reacting reactively.

A good friend sent me this yesterday. The timing was appropriate.

Later in the day, my son called me, feeling most down. “I have been working on a written summary,” he said. “When I look at what others have done, I realise mine is awful.” I reacted calmly but was actually amused as I remembered a particular, pertinent incident.

In grad school, I had to do a one-page executive summary. I was at three pages and absolutely certain that not one more word could be trimmed. I was feeling desperate. And I told my professor that. With a poker face, she merely said, “why don’t you read it aloud?” As I did, I realised so much could be cut off with little change to the meaning. All through that time, my professor merely sat there as I kept reciting and talking 😊. At the end of that session, I was down to a page – and one to be proud of. When I thanked Prof. Bogert with all my heart, she said, “I did not do anything. It was all you.” The sign of a great teacher – to say little but to make it meaningful, to know exactly how to inspire, to push one into learning for oneself – the actual fact was had Prof. Bogert not been in the room, encouraging me every step of the way, I would not have cut two pages off in a half hour. Most of us need to be told that we CAN do it – that immense positivity, the faith that someone else has in us, can push us to go beyond our wildest dreams.

So it was Prof. Judith Bogert that I had in mind when I assuaged my son last night. At the end of the call, he did feel better. And so did I.  As parents, our reaction can either set the tone for further conversation or clamp it in the bud. I have overreacted many a time, and not just with my biological children – others I care for dearly too. Yesterday, though, I did better. It was late in the day, everyone was asleep and I thought clearly, sans distraction. Instead of worrying that he felt unable to tackle the task, I could talk him through calmly. Today he informed me that he could, in fact, use much of what he wrote – he just had to rearrange it in a better manner.

I also recollected an older, wiser friend telling me, “If our kids are talking to us, we have done a good job. What exactly they say is not important.” That is so true! The fact that our children communicate with us, and not just the positives, is gratifying. To know what they struggle with – to know that they know their weaknesses and that they do not posture them as strengths – is heartening. Hopefully, that honesty will remain and serve them well. Hopefully, as the first picture above states, they will be good people all their lives.