Friends Old and New

Recently, I spent good, quality time with friends of old whom I have been in touch with constantly, though we have not physically met in a while, geographically separated as we are. As usually happens on such occasions, we reminisced – how we were then, barely into adulthood, and how time has changed us. Or not. How our idealistic thoughts had metamorphosed into more practical variations, how we had grown in some aspects and stale-mated in others, how certain things had not changed at all – fundamentally we were the same – and that was heartening. It got me mulling over acquaintances, friendships, kinships etc. (henceforth referred to under the blanket word ‘relationship’).

Life is fraught with unexpected occurrences – sometimes several in a row. It takes a while to expect the unexpected and deal with it as a matter of routine. Each of these learning experiences rips something away from you – since many of the tipping points of our interactional education come from the negative and painful episodes. It comes with hurt, incredulity, ‘why me’ moments, ‘boy, was I stupid’ feelings – while this might have resulted in growth, one does view one’s future relationships with a translucent lens after that. More cynicism, more suspicion. We start looking at people differently. This is sad.

These lenses can cloud us into reading too much into authentically simple situations. We become cautious – over-cautious; we assume worse of people than they deserve – for we now have a bigger repository of (negative) experiences to call on. We interpret what we hear in convoluted ways – as in the Tamil saying, we add eyes, ears, noses etc. This means each subsequent interaction has a lesser chance of becoming a true and fulfilling one – we are building walls and we tell ourselves that what we see is not true – there must be something beyond, possibly sinister. This is sad.

This is why the longevity of any relationship does make a difference. There is inherent trust built in – a comfort level in knowing that the other has seen us at a different time, a different stage – in less complicated days, of knowing we have followed each other through thick and thin over the years – we have been there for each other. Of course, it does come with a tinge of sadness at times, exhilaration at others – depending on whether the other has converged or diverged in the meantime. Such relationships are indispensable – and critical to feeling anchored. We all need them.

In the interests of emotional well-being though, It is VERY important that we consciously shed the jaded lenses from our eyes when introduced to a new person in whatever context. It could very well be the next memorable kinship in our lives. This is NOT easy to do – it requires very deliberate introspection of oneself and a conscious decision to register only what is actually seen and said, and a lot of practice in applying it. This does not mean shed all caution. Of course not. One should definitely heed instinct. But one should not weigh the new person down with the emotional baggage foisted on by others over time. Looking at new figures with world-weary eyes ensures we never get past shedding negative experiences to move on to accentuating the positives.

One might be surprised to find that a lot of what one sees IS what one gets. One might have unnecessarily coloured life with disproportionate wariness and misgiving. So, break off the shackles of the past and look at others with fresh eyes, giving the other the benefit of the doubt. We do not know what they have gone through, and been scarred by, themselves. Believe. Trust. Until you have reason not to – when this occurs (and it will), brush it off, move on and use that lens only with that particular person – not the world at large. When one person applies this, it often goes around and breaks armour in others. A whole new cycle of positivity in life.