Keep it to yourself.

The self-inflicted death of a healthy, young man is always a tragedy. Following the suicide of the young and successful Indian actor, Sushant Singh Rajput, I have seen several social media posts in the vein of (self-paraphrased) “If you need someone to talk to, I am here. You are never alone.”  As someone who has generally shared her thoughts freely, I HAVE to say sharing is not always the solution. I realise this is a very controversial statement. But unburdening oneself can backfire big time too.

The sentiment of being available is admirable, and something I have told, and tell, people myself. Indeed, we as humans, even the most anti-social amongst us, need connections to survive (hence my severe objection to the term social distancing – it should be physical distancing).

For all this offering of ears, how many actually avail of it? I honestly think, akin to the credo of groups like Alcoholics Anonymous, one cannot make one share until one wants to.

Views expressed are purely personal. The writer has no mental health expertise.

For some, sharing their emotion is foisting themselves on others, which they cannot, and/or will not, do. They consider that selfish and, being genuinely considerate, they cannot, and will not, do that.  The reactions of the people they interact with shapes and colours their thoughts as well.  

There are those of us who find sharing our angst and anguish a panacea. If we have an issue with someone, we tell that someone exactly what we feel in no uncertain terms, without mincing any words. For years, I have been confident this was the perfect solution – not just for me but for everyone, if only they too would follow this wonderful (ha!) course of action- no festering, no back biting, no vitriol to third parties – take the bull by the horns and move on. Now I realize it works ONLY if the other is on the same page and is willing to hash it out. If not, it can actually make it worse.

There are other issues too. As freeing as letting go can be, it takes a LONG while sometimes to do so, even after we have, supposedly, got a resolution. Depending on the severity of the experience, it can keep coming back to haunt us, in different layers and dimensions, and much like an anaconda regurgitating its prey, we keep harping on it. We often take stock of our entire life at such moments. But nobody has the bandwidth for discussing the same issue repeatedly.

Only sometimes, therefore, is unburdening the solution and, if and when done, it should be with due diligence. We should take into account the nature of our compatriot in the exchange. If someone, or something done by someone, has hurt us a LOT, it usually means that person is someone we care for immensely. Therefore, we should take a deep breath and stop ourselves from venting in full force and fury – we do NOT want to hurt the other – after all, we know only too well how it feels to be hurt. We just want to make sense of, and clear the fog of, confused emotions.  

The mental upheaval of what has lead up to that moment (for we have often held it back for quite a while) prevents us from seeing things from the other’s perspective. We feel if we don’t let it out, we are being dishonest and, when the eruption does occur, it is SO difficult to stem. But honesty is NOT the best policy sometimes. Our truth can become breaking point for the other. You become persona non-grata in mere seconds. When that happens, you realise you should not have said anything in the first place. Heartfelt apologies can still fall on deaf ears. You are off their radar.

One forgets often that if something felt broken, it was only for oneself. Not for the other. People can care, but only so much. People might listen, but only for a while. They have their own lives to live. They might have things, other things, that are broken in their lives. Mental health experts advocate putting a fence for ourselves and demarcating it clearly for others – if you break that fence, you get thrown out. If you felt down and out earlier, now, when messages and phone calls are ignored, it can drive you off the cliff, sometimes literally. Better not to go there. Feeling like road-kill is better than being road-kill.

We realise then that life was fine just the way it was. It was one’s own burden to bear all by oneself. Honesty is NOT the best policy always. For honesty is hurtful. Honesty is inconsiderate. Sharing is not always the solution.

Speaking to a third party about ‘bad’ things is betrayal. Stabbing someone else in the back. That is just a plain no-no. A professional counselor is an excellent place to start, and I think many should avail of it, but mental barriers to entry are very high. As I said, unless one is willing AND wants to share, one cannot be forced into doing so. I just hope and wish that more people will go past this hesitation and consult professionals – counselors and psychotherapists – professionals who know what to say, when, and how to, as well. One does NOT need to be diagnosed with anything to see a counselor – think of them as professional, non-judgmental listeners. It really helps.

Coming back to the first paragraph, my heart breaks for what Sushant Singh Rajput must have gone through. He said in 2016 that “the biggest lie was that money and recognition is equal to happiness” – obviously a thoughtful young man. However, because everything CANNOT be shared, it is ALSO important to acquire the ability to process things in one’s own mind to a point where one can live with the pains, pinpricks, thorns and other hurts that are inevitable in everyone’s life. My mother told me soon after my father died – “There are things you cannot tell anyone, you know?” I think she realized that my brazen straight talk could come back to bite me. But as is the case so frequently with progeny, we sometimes have to get mangled, not just bitten, for the lesson to sink in. What she said made no sense to me then. It does now.

I personally have consciously stopped saying everything I think and feel. There is filter paper in there now. Better late than never. Only some thoughts are to be shared. The rest will stay within. It is a permanent change. The better for others. I know though, that I will continue to trip. And fall. But, hopefully, I will get better with time. In a few years, maybe, just maybe, I might have the rights to be in my mother’s shadow – at least. Our problems are often ours alone. And it might be better if it stays that way.