Straight up or with a twist?

Recently, a classmate posted the following: “Would you rather deal with someone who tells you exactly what they mean (even if it hurts sometimes) … or someone who…. never confronts you directly? Just curious what people think.” Well, it definitely got me thinking. Developing the appropriate filters in communication is probably the most difficult skill there is and, also quite possibly, the most crucial.

What do you say? How much do you say? To whom do you say it? When do you say it? When do you say what? When do you stop? How does what you say change based on where, when and to whom you say it? How does that change based on who else is around when you say it? In what tone of voice do you say it? How do you couch it? Should it be in active voice or passive voice? Should it be straight up? Or should you beat around the bush? Or should you not say it at all?

Gauging all this correctly AND instantaneously can spell the difference between success and failure, going from persona grata to non grata, cementing a relationship or breaking it, the next promotion or demotion……

Life’s experiences change us. How people react to what we say and the degree of importance we give to that response changes our subsequent reactions to similar stimuli. Thus, we are always evolving in our acquisition of suitable filters for communication. Inherent nature plays a very important role though. Some are just naturally voluble and given to saying what they feel when they feel, exactly how they feel it. Others do not let anything out. Both have their share of problems. The former can inflict a lot of pain on others, often most unwittingly – they just cannot hold it in. The latter is a volcano in the making – but it often erupts inside oneself, manifesting in physical and mental maladies that science blankets under the all-encompassing, yet utterly meaningless, ‘stress’.

Then there is the devil of it all – honesty. Most of us are told to be truthful as children. Our latent immaturity (all of us begin that way) and the practicality of life means though, that over time, that degree of honesty, and the vociferousness of its expression, wane, change, or get blunt.

Should one be honest? Or should one be diplomatic or skirt the issue completely? It does vary by person. The one extreme is those who are diplomatic to those they truly care about – because they do not wish to hurt them even for a brief moment. At the opposite end are others who believe in a bedrock of honesty where, similar to Yudhishtira’s one ‘lie’ (ashwatthAmA, the elephant, is dead), being evasive is tantamount to betrayal and one could never do that to those whom you really care about.

We should keep in mind, though, that real bedrock is solid rock – inanimate, hard. Humans, however, are soft, sweet, sensitive. Honesty can be hard to take. Especially when swaddled by yet another beast – emotion – and its often vitriolic outpouring. One often forgets to keep in mind the mentality of one’s counterpart in the exchange – for THAT person’s nature should dictate everything one says. Because even if love is the foundation, honesty and emotion together is an earthquake – it can decimate.

“Do you promise to say the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth?” was a favourite line of mine, from court room dramas. To me, it meant straight up, unvarnished, unmoderated fact. It appealed to my own inherent nature and, as an English major, the sound of the increasing syllable count and the repetition of the last word just made it beautiful. However, it works only in the court room – even then, maybe not.

Said or unsaid, words have power if expressed by those we give credence to. The unexpressed take on whatever meaning one ascribes to it. The mind is a monkey – and often a cruel one.

This shloka (verse) from the Taittriya Upanishad is probably more sage  – “satyam bruyAt priyam bruyAt na bruyAt satyam apriyam; priyam ca nanrutam bruyAt esha dharmah sanatanah” which means “Speak the truth; speak that which is pleasant; do not speak that truth which is unpleasant; even if pleasant, do not speak untruth – this is the path of eternal righteousness.”

I wish, though, with all due respect, that the shloka also guided one on how to acquire the temperance to stay silent and pretend everything is hunky dory even at the most emotionally fraught moments – actually, ESPECIALLY at those moments. And if it also added that few have the bandwidth for others’ issues – so, if what one says only benefits oneself, however crucial it might be to say it, one should not say anything. Particularly to those one cares about. Better to take it on oneself than foist it on another. It changes us, numbs us. But unresolved is way better than broken.

Soon after my father died, my mother said (perhaps understanding her daughter better than I understood myself), “There are so many things you cannot ever say. It just dies with you.” For the fortitude to not say it out. Hail the quiet, contemplative ones who never say a word out of place. I salute thee.